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In an article published by Psychology Today, author Marisa Franco speaks with John Miles, author of the book The Mattering Effect: Creating a Life of Meaning and Worth, about how his experience with a childhood traumatic brain injury shaped his understanding of the science of mattering. Miles’s traumatic brain injury affected his eyesight, sensory processing, and speech. In the article, he reflects on how his speech therapist taught him about having a “growth mindset” through working to overcome limiting beliefs and seeing his circumstances as changeable rather than fixed, and how a conversation with a teacher made him question his own self-worth for the next 25 years.
Ultimately, he finds that giving and receiving care is the key to fostering mutual relationships, belonging, and self-worth, advice that may benefit other patients navigating TBI as well. Miles acknowledges that letting people in and receiving care can also be difficult. “One way we begin to change this,” he writes, “is by initiating the first cue of care. When we start offering care to others, we can create opportunities for them to respond with care in return.”
He draws on attachment science to understand his experiences. “When people feel unsafe or insignificant, they can develop anxious or avoidant attachment patterns,” he writes. Miles describes his own experience with avoidance, saying “I repeatedly received the signal that my real self wasn’t seen or needed, so I started withdrawing from the world and presenting a different version of myself.” Anxious attachment manifests in the other direction, with people “continually working to earn the reassurance that [they] matter.” TBI patients too often receive this kind of implicit messaging because of the stigma around their injuries. Miles says that we need to reinforce how much people matter to us in concrete, specific ways in order to facilitate healthy relationships.
